It was written exactly one week before I went back to work. Funny that.
Going back to work after maternity leave for our second baby was infinitely harder than for the first. Part of it may have been because now I know I can do this whole kid-raising thing — I’m actually kind of good at it — and I know if it were economically feasible, I’d make a hell of a full-time mom.
The logistical side of how hard it was to go back to work this time stems from exactly where I work. I teach at a staggeringly rigorous high school — number one in our state — and I went back to work at the apex of college application season, with a courseload of almost all seniors. I was instantly swamped with recommendation letter requests, application essay crises, and even a frantic series of phone calls and emails from a parent during the school day, asking if I could please locate an essay her daughter wrote for my class TWO YEARS AGO, because a certain east coast school needs a writing sample. Yes. I’ll get right on that.
And just when I want to collapse in a small pile of self-pity, there are a few awesome and perhaps mildly embarrassing truths I should admit:
- My baby has been sleeping through the night since he was five weeks old. We used the same approach as we did with our older son, who slept through the night at eight weeks. We rule. So I can’t complain about sleepless nights. He doesn’t even wake up until 7 or 8.
- My husband only works roughly two days a week. He’s a firefighter. So while that means 24-hour shifts, and thus days of learning a heightened respect for single moms, the rest of the week he is home raising our boys, planning our meals, and being generally freaking awesome. He is also good looking. Which doesn’t hurt.
- I love my job. Love it. The average burnout rate for teachers is seven years, and this year is lucky thirteen. I love my job a little more each year, as it turns out. Even the days that exhaust me are overwhelmingly good. I don’t know if I could leave everybody at home for a job I hated, and I know people who face this prospect every day. I’m lucky.
- This year, our babysitter — who lives all of NEXT DOOR — added to her repertoire of awesomeness that she’ll start her days with the boys by coming to my house fifteen minutes before I leave the house, and taking over from wherever we happen to be in our morning. Sometimes this means she comes over and reads the paper, and other days she steps into a typhoon. Mornings are easier with two kids and a babysitter who comes to me than they were with one kid and having to walk a whole fifty feet to her back porch. I acknowledge that I struck childcare gold. So there’s that, too.
- Each of my jobs makes me better at the other. Being a teacher has made me a more reflective mom — with an arsenal of knowledge and tricks for when the teen years come raining down. And being a mom has made me a stronger, more empathetic teacher. Each of the 200 kids I work with each week? They’re somebody else’s kids, and that rings true at a greater depth for me since my own kids were born.
I hope that every mom or dad who has to go back to work after bringing a little one home can admit to similar truths — even the sleeping part. I hope I’m not the exception to the rule with this stuff. I hope if you’ve been as busy as me, it’s because you’ve been dividing your time among people and jobs you love and are genuinely invested in. It’s what gets me through the exhausting parts. That, and coffee. By the bucketload.
Two more months will not go by before I post again, because I already have another two or three things half-written in my head. (Plenty of space up there.) There is our baby boy’s finalization (which happened), there are CRAZY adoptive parents (who are most definitely out there), and there is a book that has been recommended to me — Motherless Mothers — and I’m interested to see if there is any alignment between mother loss, as the book calls it, and what is often described as adoption loss. These are all on deck. Hope everybody’s been well. Drop me a line (paperpregnancymom@gmail.com) or post a comment if anybody has seen progress toward building your families; I’d love to hear how everything’s going.
January 6, 2011 at 8:33 am
I have been anxiously awaiting your next posting! I have been reading your blog since my husband and I were in the wait for our son and I love your perspective on things, especially as an experienced adoptive mom. Our son was born Nov 5th and is such a joy and a dream come true for us.
Thanks and keep up the great posts! Just curious, how did you get your sons to sleep through the night so fast?
Heather
January 6, 2011 at 9:57 am
Thank you! And CONGRATULATIONS on the birth and placement of your son!
Here’s the sleep scheme, as briefly as I can make it….
Watch for that longer stretch of night-time sleep as your baby moves toward several hours between feedings. Tweak that chunk of time to where he’s crashing out around 7 and needing a bottle around 12 or 1. Then, instead of waiting for him to wake up and need that bottle, wake him up yourself around 10 or 11 and feed him. If he’s at the magic 12-13 pound mark, he should be able to make it until at least 5 or 6 on that before-your-bedtime bottle. And as he gets used to it, he’ll sleep later and later. Our guy gets a bottle around 11 and sleeps until 8 sometimes. And it IS possible to scoot his sleep schedule around, because you’re really only scooting it up or back by an hour or two at a time, based on natural circadian rhythms anyway.
Does that make sense? It worked for us both times, and our younger son was born with the distinct idea that 1-3 a.m. was hangout time. You just have to watch for when they start to grab several hours at a time, and adjust accordingly.
January 10, 2011 at 11:41 am
Thanks! He is really awesome! Our son does go to sleep between 7-8pm at night and he is usually fed at that time. So should I feed him as usual at that time and then feed him again at 10 or 11pm? Right now he eats at about 8pm and sleeps about 5 hrs until 1am, eats, goes right back to sleep but and then wakes up at 3:30-4am before it’s been 4 hrs (we are on a 4 hr feeding schedule). We have tried a dream feed before bed and he still wakes up before 4 hrs. It doesn’t seem to matter what I do he just wakes up at that time and then I am awake for 2 hrs giving him the pacifier to hold him off until it’s been at least 4 hrs to eat becuase I know he’s not hungry he just want to be held or out of his crib. I keep hoping he is going to grow out of this. Thanks for your help!
Heather
January 10, 2011 at 2:06 pm
Heather —
They say that all this is only viable when a kid hits 12 or 13 pounds — that’s the weight at which their little bellies can hold enough food to keep them asleep for 6+ hours, which to new parents is a HUGE night’s sleep.
We started trying the wake-up feeding around when our boys each hit that weight. After a few nights, they each woke up a little later, and a little later, until that first night when they lasted from 11 until 5/5:30. And it stretched out from there.
So you have a party monster, huh? Like I’d said, that was our younger son at first, too, but he switched up pretty easily. Find what you can about babies’ circadian rhythms. It’s tricky, but I’ve seen a lot of good suggestions for convincing them that night is night, and all that goes with it. He can’t/won’t stay a late-night party monster forever!
Good luck! Keep me posted!
January 26, 2011 at 8:27 am
Glad to see you back on the blog. I’ve been waiting to hear how the new little one is doing. Sounds like lots of fun and work!